TIT OUT IN TJ MAXX & OTHER ADVENTURES

I’m a public breastfeeder. Shocking, I know. I own exactly zero sensible nursing tops, nor do I own one of those cover-up apron thingies. We’re constantly on the go, I’m still nursing both Pats and Nora and when it’s feedin’ time on the farm, I’m just whipping one out. There’s just no time when we’re out and about for a big ritual. I’m super blessed that both girls were awesome eaters from the get go. They’re super efficient. The whole process takes under 10 minutes. I have no interest in listening to my children howl for food, nor do I find big wet milk stains on my American Apparel particularly attractive. I’ve fed these girls just about everywhere: subway, park, restaurants, discount department store chains, Toronto City Hall...ya know. Normally nobody says boo. Rarely do I get even a lingering stare let alone an eye roll. And ONCE in a blue moon I even get a “That’s so beautiful. Good for you.” 

I live in New York City. You are never the craziest or strangest looking person in any given place at any given moment. Just yesterday, I saw a man laying on the ground in Riverside Park. His T-shirt was pulled up around his neck and he had an EKG sticker in his chest. He was...sleeping...?...I guess? Honestly, I would’ve sworn he were dead until my curious gaze led me to his Little Mister flopped over the side of his unzipped fly spraying his personal Golden Arch upon the grass. Ba da da da dah. Not loving it. Hm. Now that I’m actually typing this out, that sounds pretty bad. I probably should’ve made a call or something...eh...I’m sure he’s fine. Anyhoo- needless to say, in the city that never sleeps, pulling out a boob on a bench doesn’t exactly raise eyebrows.

Aaaaaand cue the ‘burbs! Here’s a gem:

I was visiting my parents in Doylestown, PA- the smallish town where I was born and raised about an hour north of Philadelphia. One sunny afternoon, my dad and I (“Gock” to Nora and Pats) decided to walk into town to grab a Primo for lunch. Sidebar: PRIMO HOAGIES. Best hoagies evahhhhh. On THE BEST bread. So fresh. When they run out, they close. Love that. I’m partial to Nonna’s Veggie and The Bada Bing (grilled), but you really can’t go wrong with anything there. OK, back on topic-

We grab our sandwiches and head for home. Pats, then 2 months old, begins to fit a bit and is ready to eat. So I sat down on the bench at the corner of Court and Main, fed her,  finished up, and we were on our way. We‘re two blocks away from the shop and a woman starts running up behind me trying to get my attention. “Excuse me! Excuse me!” I think I must’ve dropped a burp cloth or something.

ME: “Yeeeees?”

HER: “Can I give you some ‘constructive criticism?’”

ME: “Ummm, ok...”

HER: “You might wanna think about covering yourself up a bit when you do that, ya know,  feed your baby. It’s lunchtime and this is a busy street.”

ME: “Yes, it is lunch time which is exactly WHY I was ‘doing that.’” 

HER: “Well, I don’t know where you’re from, but people around here aren’t used to that.”

ME: (May I?) “I appreciate your opinion. (Not really constructive criticism, but whatever.) To coverup or not is my choice. I prefer to look my daughter in the eye when I feed her. a) to bond, b) to insure that she isn’t smothered by my now F cup boobs. Thank you, but we’re fine.” (PS- I’m from HERE, bi-otch.)

HER: “Um...ok...well, I guess I’m just old school.”

ME: “Well... I guess I’m just OLDER school, cause I’m pretty sure moms have been pulling out their tits in the marketplace since before Jesus was born.”

In the end, she was such a pussy. She backed off, saying I was right and it wasn’t SHE who was offended, but maybe I was making other people uncomfortable. Thanks for sticking up for the common man, lady. Who are you? So. Lame. Grow a pair already! You CHASED ME DOWN THE BLOCK, then you fold like a house of cards? Idiot. She wished me a nice day, I politely did the same. Gock yelled after her, “FUUUUCK YOU!” Ya know, just to keep it classy in from of the kids.

I really just don’t get it. I don’t. Well, I guess I do. People view boobs as a sexual thing and it makes them uncomfortable. But in the context of feeding a child??? Looking at that sexually, boggles me. Like how now if a kid is on TV in the bathtub or whatever and they BLUR OUT his or her “private parts?” Seriously? Because of the handful of sickos out there who view that in a sexual way? So weird. It disturbs me. You can slap a woman, curse God, and harass two men for holding hands in public and no one cares. But ya whip out a nip to nourish your baby and all of a sudden you’re ruining everyone’s lunch. Ugh. Whatever, lady. Enjoy your hoagie. And your pleat front jeans, which in my opinion is the REAL offense here.

with my friend Danni and Nora (2 months old) exercising my rights on the Upper West Side, 2009

Ok, ok. Enough about tits. Let’s talk thighs! Chicken thighs! Boneless, skinless chicken thighs to be exact. I was a breast gal forever. Like most girls, I think. All white meat. No fat. Seems like the healthiest choice. But truthfully, 1 thigh is under 150 calories and in my opinion is way yummier. I use these all the time now. Here’s the basics:

CHICKEN THIGHS

Spread out thighs and sprinkle with salt and pepper.

Heat a grill pan to medium high heat. Cook for about 5 minutes in each side. I always cut a meaty part open to check if they’re done. 

Here’s some ways I’ve recently topped ‘em:

*Add cinnamon to the salt and pepper. Sautee a bulb of fennel and 1 vidalia onion, thinly sliced in a couple tablespoons of olive oil and 1 tbsp of butter. Top the thighs and enjoy with a sweet potato and a salad. Try it with a spiced rum and ginger ale. 

*Add chopped fresh sage, salt and pepper to a half stick of butter. When chicken comes off the grill, drop a pat on each thigh. So good with a side of brown rice with dried cranberries and parm tossed in. Enjoy while sipping your favorite red wine.

*Chop up the thighs, mix with your fave BBQ sauce, fill a soft roll and top with cole slaw or pickles or both. A good substitute for a twist on a pulled pork sandwich if you don’t have 12 hours to smoke a pork butt. Wash it down with a Blue Moon with an orange slice.

*Chop and fill a small corn or whole wheat tortilla. A little cheese, a little cilantro... pour yourself a Skinnygirl Margarita.

Get creative gals! Do what you want with your thighs...just like your boobies.