PART-TIME ANOREXIC, PART-TIME ALCOHOLIC, FULL-TIME MOM

I have little to no interest in drinking after the sun goes down. It makes be tired, but not sleepy... It makes me a little nauseous.... Also, both my girls tend to wake up through the night and need to be nursed back to slumber. (I know, I know. That’s a no-no. A 6 month old should probably be sleep trained and a 2 year old should be off the tit. But it’s what works for us. I never said I was a doctor or a child-rearing maven, right?) Anyhoo- I need to be sober and available for my kids throughout the night. That being said, a few months ago I started my own private happy hour which begins and ends sometime in the window of 1-5pm. I allow myself 2 cocktails. By cocktails, that usually means vodka in a glass with ice. I enjoy my libations only either when I’m home alone (Gock and Mimi have taken the girls to the park), or Jeremy/other responsible party is around to make sure Nora doesn’t climb into the dishwasher and Pats isn’t choking on invisible pony tail holders. It clears my head a bit, [surprisingly] motivates me to get household work done, and just gives me a little boost to get through dinner/bath/bedtime without having a full blown meltdown. Again, I live in NYC. I can get anywhere I need to go by foot or train. I’m certainly not suggesting you pound a couple MGD 64s, hop into the Swagger Wagon, and take the whole gang to Target. Also, I never get to the point where I couldn’t deal with an emergency. 2 straight vodkas might sound like a lot to you, but trust me- I’ve had a lot of practice. 

I’ll also own up to another fun fact: I’m obsessed with food. I mean, obvi. I write recipes, cook, bake...but that’s not what I mean. I’m obsessed with food in the way a lot (well, probably the majority) of women are. I’m eating too much. I’m eating to little. I’m glued to “My Fitness Pal” counting calories and eating fat free cheese slices all day or I’m eating 4 Beard Papas in a sitting and whole bag of Baked Kettle Chips. I mean, they’re baked so... I don’t know. It gives me some sort of power to control what I put in my body, for better or for worse. Whether it makes me feel shitty in the end or not, it was my choice. It gives me...well, it gives me CONTROL. Janet Jackson wasn’t just whistlin’ Dixie. Its what we all want. It makes us feel strong and powerful and commanding. 

When chaos surrounds us (kids, work, a recent break-up), and we’re hanging by a thread (for me this is at least once a day), our natural instinct is to grasp for something to hold on to. And, different folks have different ropes. As I just confessed, mine are traditionally food and booze. For a lot of people it’s OCD cleaning. You think if your counter is clutter free, you’re head can’t be far behind. Other moms become fixated on  their child’s appearance. You want your kids to appear perfect on the outside because you feel like a hot tranny mess on the inside. By the way, if you are one of these women and are for hire let me know! [Sober] housekeeping isn’t exactly my forte and most days I’m lucky to find a pair of socks that match for Nora, let alone a perfectly coordinating barrette.

Day beers while running errands with Papa while the girls take a stroller snooze.

Being in control IS important. Finding a healthy outlet (both mentally and physically) is most important. My new thing is giving myself a weekly 10 minute manicure. I have an awesome super quick dry top coat by Sally Hansen (LITERALLY takes less than 5 minutes to dry) and a bag full of fun polish. I choose the color by the name and it kinda sets the tone for the week. Right now, I’m wearing “Dive Bar” by ESSIE. It reminds me of 10 years ago, living in the East Village and Brooklyn spending every night at Beauty Bar or the Turkey’s Nest. Laughing my ass off with Rachel Cimino and eating egg sandwiches at 4am. That’s quite an escape from just a little bottle of metallic blue liquid! And, a whole lot healthier than eating 3 cupcakes in the dark that were supposed to be for your kid’s birthday party, or working out on the elliptical in the basement till you feel like you’re gonna barf. If you’re falling into patterns that you’d be embarrassed to publicly discuss, chances are you may be heading down a dangerous path. I don’t know where this leaves me, because clearly I have no shame in admitting to the world [wide web] that I eat frosting out of the container on a regular basis or had a beer with second breakfast last week. PS- “Second Breakfast.” My favorite meal of the day. We’ll discuss sometime in the near future. The truth is: The things we use to stay in control are usually the things that are, in fact, controlling us.

Stay open and aware. Amidst the craziness, communication is the key. Don’t think you’re burdening people (ESPECIALLY other moms/women) with your daily woes. Most likely a friend, lover, parent, sister, aunt...random blogger...have been through the same thing or are also looking for a vent. TALK. IT. OUT. Or, write it out. I’ve said it before- I’m not an “expert” but I am a person. A person with ears...er....eyes.  I’m happy to listen to/read any and all of your rants. 

In conclusion, a very wise man once said: “...check yo self before you wreck yo self.” And more importantly, check yo self before your kids start to notice and you you end up fucking them up for good. I must be preeeeetty easy to let that happen. I mean, look at all the fucked up people YOU know. Yikes.

Happily pinned down between Nora and Pats. 

And now two quick snacks that are:

practically impossible to fuck up and

totally guilt-free and binge-worthy treats

So slap on a coat of “I’m Not Really a Waitress” and curl up in front of Real Housewives and enjoy!

PIN-UP POPCORN

I think “light” microwave popcorn kinda sucks, just boring. And regular just has too much fat and isn’t worth it to me. Here’s a couple quick ideas to give plain old popcorn a little spanking while still keeping your diet on track. Pop it up, spray with a little cooking spray and top with some of these ideas...

*When my sister, Jill and I were kids I always remember my mom shaking a little parmesan cheese on our popcorn. I still do that, but now add oregano and red pepper flakes too. Maybe enjoy with a little chianti? Buon appetito!

*Several years ago, my friend Kara and I spent a crazy summer working in San Francisco together. We shared a lot of late nights and she introduced me this post-party snack. Top the pop with this Asian rice seasoning called: Forikake. I like the nori (seaweed) one. Its a really interesting flavor you may not have tasted before. I would sip a clean drink along side it. Probably a citron vodka with club soda. One of my standards!

*For a sweet and salty craving, try 1tsp of sugar mixed with 1/2 tsp on cinnamon. Wash it down with some fun beer. Like a seasonal apricot or pumpkin.

NOT-JUST-YOUR-KID’S-ICE POPS

My daughter Nora is an awesome eater, but not really a fruit gal. Something about the texture, I think. But home girl LOVES ice cream and anything that resembles it. I came up with this idea over the summer:

Instead of using juice, fill up ice pop molds (you can find them at any Wal-Mart/Target kind of store and usually for under $2), with jarred baby food! One jar fills one pop almost exactly. Bananas or a mixture with bananas are particularly delish. When it freezes, it takes on this super creamy texture that I SWEAR is almost like ice cream. And, are you ready??? Each pop is 80 calories! No fake sugar, just fruit! So good. And you could seriously eat 4 of them for the equivalent of about one doughnut!

"Hm. It's not ice cream, but It'll do. I guess." Nora enjoying a pop with her buddy, Kylie.

***I know I’m being light-hearted, but issues regarding food and alcohol can become VERY serious. If you find yourself really struggling and it’s bigger than a “talk-it-out” PLEASE get help. ***

National Eating Disorders Association

Alcoholics Anonymous