Thursday, February 2, 2012


Is she stacking? Is he walking? Does she use possessive pronouns? Why do you care? Do you think she's gonna go through her entire adult life never being able to stack two blocks one on top of the other? This is gonna keep her from a good job? The man of her dreams? A full ride to Harvard? Are you ACTUALLY concerned for her developmental well being, or are you just trying to see how she stacks up to your kid? (Pun intended) COME ON. It's like a group of moms get together and have NOTHING better to talk about than motor milestones. Like 2 years ago you even knew what that phrase meant! Ok, ok. I get it. Our kids are a big part of our lives. For most of us, it IS all we do all day so its natural to talk about. But let's be honest: this type of banter has nothing to do with our kids and everything to do with US. How on earth does it make you a better mom than me cause your kid sat up at 4 months old? Did you drill it into her? Use flash cards? Bribes? And suddenly I'M inferior to you because my 7 month old chokes on Cheerios and yours doesn't? Seriously, get a life. And maybe that's the problem...
As I've previously talked about, it's important - if not imperative- to have outside interests beyond child-rearing. You're likely to go insane other wise. Or drive others insane. I was recently at a gathering of old friends most of whom I hadn't seen in 7-10 years. There were babies everywhere! It was great to see everyone and catch up outside the virtual world. Well, it was great until I felt like casual catch up turned to catty competition. Are you really interested in what I'm up to, or are you seeing if it measures up to what YOU'RE up to? Ugh. So frustrating. WHO CARES? It basically boils down to self esteem. If you're confident in your place in the world and proud of who you are and what you're doing then what anyone else is doing, not doing, achieving, making, writing about shouldn't matter. Right? If someone you know is gettin 'er dun and you're not, then get off you ass and DO something about it. There's no better motivator than someone who you think sucks SUCCEEDING! Maybe not a very Jesus-y or Budda-ish attitude, but TRUE. The old "if THEY can do it, I can do it" can take you a long way, baby! 
Hey, I'm all for a little healthy competition. A rousing game of Scattergories or a bloody  4th of July volleyball match is good for the soul! They whole "everybody plays, everybody wins" movement is lame. I'm sorry, it is. Not everybody makes the debate team. Not everybody gets to start Varsity. And it's NOT just an honor being nominated. I think it's important that Pats and Nora know these things. That everything's not just handed to you in life, you have to work and train and put it out there and be proud of your product. And I will eventually instill this in them. EVENTUALLY. But they're 10 months and 2 1/2.  And I don't need them to be exposed to sad, gossipy women judging them on their stair climbing and puzzle assembling abilities. Gross. It literally makes me shiver. And quite frankly, I don't want to be around you bitches either. I have a core of mom friends (let's get this straight- friends who HAPPEN to be moms) who ARE my friends because we can just BE with each other. Of course we talk about our babes. And we seek advice, ask questions, share stories. Nothing to do with COMPETITION, everything to do with CAMARADERIE. I know I'm constantly barking this, but being a mom of small children if F-ing hard, dude. Everyday I feel like a failure and a loser for one reason or another. I spill 2 lb bags of sugar all over the floor and counter. My toilets are dirty. My baby cries and I can't figure out why. I'm hard enough on myself, I don't need the freaking wanna-be bridge club up my ass too. I need REAL humans, real girlfriends who can admit their shortcomings. Who cheer me on for my victories and give me a squeeze during the dark times. Even if it's just over the phone. And I can do the same for them. 
So can this PLEASE stop? I HATE this mom on mom crime. It's hurtful, it's pathetic, and it's a disgusting example for our daughters. It's also a disgusting example for our sons. If they see us treating each other this way, how do you think THEY are gonna eventually treat women? Think about that for a second. So, I'm over it. All you haters, C U Next Tuesday, 'hos. Be gone! I'll be over here holding up the examples for my daughters of physical and emotional strength, self-confidence, and perseverance and that with the distractions of day drinking and reality TV, you can get through just about anything.
Does your kid eat sand? Act like a lunatic in the bath? No? Mine does. Basically...gifted. 
These to recipes can definitely stack up to the snacks they were inspired by! And they're different enough from the originals, that there's really no competition at all!
These couldn't be easier, cheaper, healthier, or more delicious. For real. My husband is definitely a chip guy. After making these, he's a full on convert. Even Nora begs for them,  "Green chips! Green chips!" Try them and you'll be hooked.
1 bunch of kale
Olive oil
Kosher or Sea Salt (you could use regular table salt, but I like the extra crunch from the kosher or sea salt)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Make sure kale is washed and completely dry. Cut out the thick stem and tear into large bite size pieces. Place on a baking sheet. (lined with a silicone pad if you have it. If you don't, go get one!! These things are the BEST!) Drizzle a little olive oil over the kale and toss lightly with your hands. Sprinkle with salt. Bake for 12-15 minutes until edges are brownish but not burnt. 
They actually dry out a bit and get even crunchier as they sit, but chances are they won't even make it to the table! You'll most likely gobble immediately. 
One head of kale should make about 3 or 4 batches depending on the size of your baking sheet. You want just a single layer.
 They are absolutely perfect with just olive oil and salt, but also good with garlic powder or chili flakes...whatever you like. Get creative!
I'm allergic to nuts. So is my husband, actually. I feel like I've gone through my whole life hearing people gush over pecan pie. How delicious and decadent it is. Super jealous, I decided to come up with a substitute. The sticky raisin pie was born! If you like raisins, and you like a serious sugar high...this is the pie for you!
3 eggs
1 c real maple syrup
1/2 c granulated sugar
1/2 c brown sugar (I usually use dark brown sugar in almost everything, but if you have light, no biggie.
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 c raisins (use any variety, color, or combination of raisins that you like. I found these AMAZING raisins at Trader Joe's. Huge, sweet and delicious. And I love all the colors!)
Frozen pie shell (if you're Hell-bent on using from scratch, be my guest. I'll be using frozen) ;)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Whisk together first six ingredients. Stir in raisins and pour into pie shell over a foil lined baking sheet. Trust me, you do not want to clean burnt sugar off the bottom of your oven.  Bake for 50 minutes. Serve with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream. Or both. So. Good. 

Mmmmmmm, pie. Sticky pie.